When creating SXSI, I didn’t really realize what that would entail for me. I mean I thought that I would just be this young girl trying to inspire other young women and girls to live a life that they could be proud of. I had my idea of what that would look like, what it would entail and all of that, but then my life took another turn that I NEVER expected but had an idea might happen…
I will share more deets of that as this blog progresses but I want to just say this. No matter what people say, your dream is your dream. With that, many times when your dreams are yours, they take on a personality and they come out of the life you are already living. Don’t let ANYONE make you believe that you can be and do what you dreamed because your life “doesn’t line up”. That’s BS! Your life is a reflection of your dream, its you do with your life and how you go about accomplishing your dream is what will impact people and reach people.
With SXSI, it has been an experience and I have been challenged, exposed and caught up more than I EVER had before. I had this idea to minister and talk to young women, and stay celibate and I fell, HARD. Feeling like who am I to even tell anyone anything, I am not even worth it because I am not doing it myself, so who am I to tell anyone anything? This is what I said and in the process of doing the things I was and getting caught up and feeling sorry and guilty and playing the victim, I had the knife in my own had killing the dream I was ready to accomplish. Yes Me I am the Dream the Killer, You are the Dream Killer to your Own Dream! Life and its circumstances, makes the dream more worthwhile to keep at it and work harder and makes the message stronger and more substance. I didn’t see it as that until; I had the “haters” and “naysayers”. People have asked me, “so what about SXSI now?” how can you talk to young women and this is what you’re into, this is what you doing? SXSI? How are you SXSI now? How can you talk like that? All of it I heard and when I say I was shot to the heart and telling myself, I failed Miserably! That’s how I felt and some days I still feel that way? Thinking how can I tell a young girl she means something and she doesn’t have to take off her clothes to prove it, or how can I tell a young woman that even though she’s never experienced love from a father in her life that she doesn’t need a man to validate her, and I am feeling that way?
I am being really transparent because I still did it, not seeing the root, not realizing that the issues, abuse, torment and pain I experienced as a child I outwardly acted them out in my adult life. I didn’t see it but I played it out. Feeling the pressure of these same young women looking up to me and then watching me fall and then saying, who do I have now. Another shot to the heart. I am not perfect ya’ll I don’t pretend to be. I just want to be SXSI just like you. Trying to live a life that I see myself living but looking at it with impossibility to even reach. Yes me. But every day, I am telling myself that TAKIMA, you are STILL SXSI no matter what happens and it just broadens the audience that you have to reach. You have to be In It to Speak on It! I ask myself, and God, why you chose me for this. There is so much ridicule and judgment that goes along with this, this don’t feel good at all… But I feel like He says, if not you then who? I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you, Plans to give you a hope and a future.
At this point, I have No Other Choice than to trust that my Choice that He knew about before I did, has a purpose….