Yes, you read right, the “Anti-Mom” all of 4 years being apart of the mommy club, I never wanted to be one. To top it off, I’m a single one at that. Nothing about babies and children excites me. The whining, crying, the “can I have” when they have obvious full bellies, nope not a fan. I get frustrated when all I want to do is have a moment to myself and a need arises that takes precedence over my own craving for “me time”. Oh how I miss the days of old when My time was MY TIME!
This may come to a shock for some of you and some of you may send me hate messages and nasty comments of me saying what I am saying but the truth is, you think it, you just don’t say it. Its not easy being a single mom who once was so free in being a single woman. I used to be carefree, go and come as I pleased and didn’t have any restrictions on what I could and could not do. Before you judge let me tell you a story…
When I was 6 years old I was put into foster care. My birth mom was a drug addict and because of her addiction and lack of mothering, the city got involved and I was taken from her. Not knowing what my life was about to turn into upon being separated, I never had the opportunity to grow up with her. She never got to raise me and that mother daughter bond wasn’t formed. My adopted mother, my angel stepped in and picked up the slack. She was and still is incredible but I still felt that feeling of abandonment and loss of a bond. I felt like I could not really bond with my adopted mom.
Growing up I had low patience with kids. I loved my neices and nephews but I knew I didn’t want to have any of my own. When I became a young adult, my heart and mind was still convinced that children weren’t for me. They annoyed me, required A LOT of attention and I was selfish. Yep, I have no shame. In 2010, I told my sister, “I don’t think I’m meant to be a mom”. Exactly a year later, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was Devasted! This isn’t what I wanted! Not at all! What was going to do now? Although I wanted to get an abortion, my heart and spirit wouldn’t let me.
The day I found out I was having a little girl, I cried. Not only was I having a baby but a little girl at that! Without having that mother/ daughter bond every little girl is supposed to have that I didn’t, how was I going to bond with her? What was I going to teach her? How could I love her and I didn’t really want her? (So I thought) The day arrived and my little Victory was born. I looked at her face and I didn’t feel that little flutter or unspeakable love that most mothers feel, nope. I felt pain, I felt frustration and just disappointment. How was I going to raise this little person that I didn’t know how to even love or bond with?
Its been 4 years and I have learned:
1. Just because I am a mother, doesn’t mean I have to give up being a young single woman! She has reminded me that it’s important not to let myself go, she watches me and everything I do, who better to teach her to be FAB than Me?
2. Being a mom is about sacrifice not death to your dreams and goals! I thought I would have to let go of everything I wanted to do with my life. She taught me that it’s Because of her that I can do that and more!
3. As a woman, you can be Super but you Need a Village! She has brought about so many amazing people in my life. I am so blessed to know that people in my life truly are there for me and even though I knew that, she put on the flashlight on their faces.
4. Love starts as a seed… When she was born I didn’t feel that head over heels love, at 1 I still didn’t feel it, at 2 I started to appreciate her presence, at 3 I felt like life would be awkward without her and now at 4 I know she has a purpose in my life that without her I could not be me. I can’t live without her, that’s true love and I do Feel it, Experience it Everyday, maybe not all day but everyday!
I’m not going to say I don’t have anti-mom moments, I have them often but I don’t regret being one. My daughter is my best teacher. She teaches me how to be a better woman, how to manage a business, how to tolerate the most difficult people, and oh did I forget about PATIENCE?! She teaches me how to make effective choices and what it means to live a balanced life.
Being a mom is tough, I don’t always enjoy it or love it like most members of the mommy club but I am honored to have been chosen to be apart of it. It’s bigger than me and for that, I will always strive to be my best.
So to all the mommies who can relate to my “Anti-Mom” story, I Salute you and this One’s for You! Dont be afraid to tell your Truth of being a Woman who is Also a Mom!! Happy Mommie’s Day!
(Victorya Joi Howze-Tisdale, 4 years old)
Thank you for choosing me as your mom. Its because of you that I have an extra day besides my birthday to celebrate me!
Be You, Stay True, & Live B.R.A.V.E. (Bold Resilient Authentic Victorious Empowered)